Saturday, May 28, 2011

HEARTSTOPPERS - YA/Contemp - 47k

Hey guys! This is my first 250 for Shelley's contest. (Which is here; Thanks for your comments!


It’s not my fault Hailey Demetropolis wants to punch out my teeth.

She doesn’t punch, really; like all pretty girls she prefers the roundhouse, open-hand slap. The one that’s easy to stop, and even easier to counter with my signature face jab. I call it the Nose Job. In Hailey’s case, it'll be her second. Her eyes flare as she pulls a perfectly manicured hand back. I lash out with my knuckles. Her body crumples backward, and the greenery surrounding the eleventh hole streaks red. When her head comes up, her hand is pressed over her torrentially bloody nose as her minions screech.

“You bitch!” A blonde growls.

“Look; unibrow, cameltoe, orange tan,” I point to the three of Hailey’s lackeys, “Do me a favor and put some ice on that for her. And give her the name of your plastic surgeon, okay? He’s obviously much better.”

From behind them I can see the golf course security sprinting towards me, visors bobbing. I take off running down the green.

“Stop!” The security yells. I can barely hear their voices over their panting.

“Too many Doritos, boys?” I dance around a sand trap. Women with cardigans on their shoulders and men with expensive watches all gape as my entourage and I speed towards them.

“Afternoon.” I nod breathlessly as I pass, taking one of their golf bags and throwing it to the ground before trotting into a sprint again. The security swears and maneuvers around the bulky shape.


  1. great stuff! right off the bat we are in a fight and rooting for the punky, smart-assed MC with a wicked jab. very cool. i certainly appreciate the shots taken at the rich, stuffy crowd, and would be interested in reading more evn though i am sure i am not your target audience...i am a nerd however and in fear that you will run me over with your scooter!

    good stuff, keep writing!
    douglas esper

  2. Not a punctuation expert, but I think this should be set off more: . I call it, "The Nose Job."

    When her head comes up, her hand is pressed over her **torrentially** bloody nose as her minions screech.--I love vocabulary words, but have been advised not to use long words like this when there are simpler, and "younger" sounding ones.

    And give her the name of your plastic surgeon, okay? He’s obviously much better.--I liked the joke about her signature move being called "The Nose Job". Seeing it here again feels like a reused joke/line and the joke sort of has gone over my head.

    I love the MC. So much fun and spunky. The chase has me itching to read more.

  3. Loved it, action right out of the gates.
    Little note here
    "some ice on that for her. And give her the name"
    throw an "Ohh" in there... for her, ohh and give her the name... might flow a bit better.
    Good luck on the contest!

  4. Great voice!
    A few things that I don't get is why the MC would punch that girl then tell the lackeys to put ice on it- seems contradictory. Also, why would she say "too many doritos?" and who is she talking to when she says that?
    Nice opening right in the middle of action!

  5. Oh yes, I really want to know what lead up to the punch and what happens after. Writing in present tense is difficult for me, so I really admire that you've kept it all together. The MC seems really sassy, and I really like her wit.

  6. Good voice in this, and it's easy to follow the action.

    I'm not sure if your MC is a male or female, which is the biggest problem I can see. Yes, one of the minions calls your MC a bitch, but men are referred to that way quite often these days.

    Aside from that, there are a few punctuation and capitalization issues to clean up -- nothing major.

    Best of luck!

  7. LOL. Hilarious.

    I love the opening line.

    Everything made sense to me, including the security guard teasing scene.

    Thanks for sharing. Good luck!

  8. I LOVE the voice. Love the opening. Love the character. I think I love pretty much everything. The only thing that gave me pause was I didn't know she had an entourage so I would maybe put that earlier, if word count allows. Good luck with the contest, your submission really is amazing.

  9. I like your writing and your MC's voice. This is well done. But that being said, I don't really care for stories that start in the middle of a scene or in this case more like the end. Just my opinion.

  10. this is fantastic. definitely something i would pick up from the store. while the action and voice were great, i didn't get a whole bunch of time to sympathize or like the mc (not sure if you want us to, though?). what did miss priss do to deserve a nose job?? i'm not sure many people are in to ppl who randomly decide it's time to piss someone off, fend off a slap, and jab someone in the nose ;)

  11. I love the voice, and I was rooting for her until she threw someone's golf bag down. It's comical, and probably in her character, but mean. Right now I just see her as a funny bad girl, but I feel like there's got to be something redeeming about her (and there is a little hint of that when she tells the minions to put ice on Hailey's nose) - maybe not here, but I hope it happens in the next few pages, which-PS-I would definitely read on to find out.

    Other than that, I really liked how you put me there with your amazing descriptions. I do like her sassy attitude (minions screech - love that)and I'm curious as to why she's on the golf course, why she has this chip on her shoulder.

    Great submit! Good luck!

  12. I love the Voice on this character. I don't know where this is going, but it sounds like a fun ride!

  13. I know the contest has already started, but just wanted to let you know I loved your submit!

    Great voice, fab scene details, and good pacing.

    In reading some of the comments, I'm wondering if I misunderstood things (but I don't think I did! :))?

    When she tells her minions to put ice on it - my take was she's being sarcastic, kinda like, "yeah, you may wanna put some ice on that before it grows into her twin..." type comment - and not because she's being sympathetic?

    And the "too many Doritos" comment, because they're too slow to catch her.

    I think I'm going to disagree with a few, as I liked where it started, I don't care why she punched her (or what got her there), and if your MC is a boy or a girl (my guess is one bad-ass chick). I'm thinking some of the answers will come in the next page or two - and you managed to get me to turn the page.

    Anyhow. My only crit would be her entourage, and the fact they aren't mentioned until they're running. Might want to just put a snippet in up front that shows she's not the only one with a posse.

    Otherwise, really enjoyed this and definitely would read on. Great job - and best of luck in the contest!