Hey guys! This is another entry for a Shelley Watters contest (honestly, she has the best ones, if you aren't already entered, check it out here.
The first 250 below are of my Sci-fi/thriller/post-apocalyptic YA called The World That Does Not Bow. Comments are loved and appreciated and most certainly returned in kind! Thanks again!
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The first time I saw the headmistress, I was dying.
It wasn't a good death. I wasn't dying nobly, enlisted on the frontlines of the northern war like my dad would’ve wanted. Mom would’ve wanted me to die when I was old, surrounded by my grandchildren and a garden that was impossible in the diseased soil of our village. Both of them talked about how they hated the thought of dying at the hands of the Wave. Starvation, the raiders, mad dogs. Anything but the Wave. Too many had been wiped out before. Too many had been imbedded in the monster’s crimson skin and left to forever scream inhuman warnings as half-masticated corpses.
When the warning siren rang from the watchtower, the ocean was rippling just outside the driftwood wall that spanned the fishing ponds. I could see it from the stone windows. High tide. Rictor came running into the dark temple, his hat askew. The Elder had been in the middle of our song lesson. He talked in quiet voices with Rictor. Incense was thick and heavy around us, sweet enough to eat. The Elder dismissed us and we skipped out, thrilled to be free of class.
Around us, the village panicked. People ran and gathered up their children, baskets of the days gathering of fish spilled as feet tripped over them. Fires were extinguished. The rich-voiced birds in the tall palms were absent, the hushed whispers and terrified cries drowning them out.
The Wave was coming.
I love that first line!
ReplyDeleteGreat first line! Be interesting to see where the story goes from here.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me think that an enormous flood is coming a la Noah's Ark. Please let it be so! The writing is so calm, and yet you've written it so that I know something awful is about to happen. Wowza! I love it.
ReplyDeleteAwesome atmosphere to this piece.
ReplyDeleteThis part is really passive (I'll separate parts you could make active with an obnoxious number of hyphens):
"When the warning siren rang from the watchtower, the ocean ----was rippling---- just outside the driftwood wall that spanned the fishing ponds. (((actually, this whole first sentence has a strange chronological order. Makes me think that the ocean's rippling is in pure reaction to the warning siren. I can see this working as two independent clauses.))) I ---could see it---- from the stone windows. High tide. Rictor came running into the dark temple, his hat askew. The Elder had been in the middle of our song lesson. (((these previous two sentences have a strangely recitative feel to them, compared to the rest of the passage.) He talked in quiet voices with Rictor. Incense ----was---- thick and heavy around us, sweet enough to eat."
last true paragraph - "days gathering of fish" I'm assuming that's "day's gathering of fish".
More passivity - "Fires were extinguished."
Anyway, all my nitpicks aside, this is a killer concept that you've executed wonderfully. The very best of luck!
(Also, your description - "I'm a jerk who writes punky, sweary, bloody YA" - makes me want to read everything you've ever written. Just so's you know. XD)
I really like this. It's right up my alley and I'd like to read more. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteFor the win! - Tom H.
ReplyDeleteCheck out my first 250!: http://ploopet.blogspot.com/
I like the tension here. Great imagery! I'd read on. Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteThink your premise is fascinating. You do a good job letting people know what your novel is going to be about from the get go. My only minor suggestion was I was a bit jarred going from the dying part to the school part. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI love a couple of your lines here--insence sweet enough to eat and the rich-voiced birds in the palms. It adds a richness to your writing, love it!
ReplyDeleteI had a hard time reconciling children skipping out from an early day of school and a panicked village--kids usually (in my experience) pick up on fear. So I wondered how they could be so naive as to be happy about getting let out of class when disaster is imminenet :P
Great passage!
Very good beginning! I did find myself skimming toward the end to find more about the headmistress, but this is the kind of opening that I would go back and reread once I did find her. (that's ME not YOU... I'd definitely turn the page!)
ReplyDeleteawesome, as always. I love your prose!
ReplyDeleteExcellent first line.
ReplyDeleteThe reader wants to know more about the Wave and how the mc fares. Good luck!
Kelly Polark
Absolutely fantastic! :D
ReplyDeleteOoh! I really like the premise here Michelle- would love to read this.
ReplyDeleteAre the finished stories listed and described on the right of the page somewhere on this blog? I can't seem to find them =/
ReplyDelete